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Spoiled Rotten: Never Too Young to Die

todayMay 1, 2015 22

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by Ace McIntyre
KTSw Other Side Drive

Never Too Young to Die
Never To Young to Die film. Photo courtesyen.wikipedia.org
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    Spoiled Rotten: Never Too Young to Die

Never Too Young to Die is supposedly a spy film from 1986. It stars a pre-Full House john Stamos as college gymnaist Lance Stargrove, Vanity from the 80s pop Vanity 6 as Danja the Bond girl I guess and Gene Simons as Ragnar, the villainous leader of a gang of punkish goons.

Lance Stargrove is dragged into spy life when Ragnar kills his estranged father over a computer chip. If Ragnar gets a hold of it, he will finally be able to poison the town’s water supply, for reasons not explained. HE’s just evil and going to make money off it somehow. Lance’s dad, the genius that he is, sends the chip to his clueless son for safe keeping.

Lance accidentally saves a mysterious girl named Danja at his father’s farm, who then informs him that she has to protect him because “his father was a good man” and junk like that. The movie is then nothing but action ambushes as the main characters stumble around without an idea on how to save the town.

This movie calls itself a spy movie thriller but it doesn’t work out that way. There’s gadgets like tracking devices in chewing gum, and water gun thing that shoots explosives, but Lance isn’t a suave hero. He’s just a kid who really doesn’t care about stopping Ragnar until his minions wouldn’t leave him alone. He’s not some awesome intelligent dude who travels the world making a living thwarting evil masterminds, he’s a moron with a mullet.

And if this is supposed to be an origin story of how a young man became a cool spy, it doesn’t work either because Lance is unlikeable. In the beginning they try to make him relatable by him sulking and being annoyed at his life, but it’s not explained so he’s just comes off as whinny. And by the end he becomes arrogant and starts saying things like he’s a real man that’s why he‘s better than Ragnar which is honestly petty and pathetic for our hero to say. He doesn’t seem like he’s become spy-type material at the end, he’s just a kid with a big ego now.

Gene Simmons though is the best part of this movie, he sells completely sells Ragnar, a hermaphrodite with a thing for show business and evil. Definitely not politically correct by any means but he can pull the crazy laugh, the lustful lingering looks and general unstableness of this character. It’s incredibly fun to watch he’s scenes cause it feels like a crazed rock star who wants to create mayhem just for the kick of it. He’s an alternate universe Joker and it works. I kind of wish this was a spy movie that would pinned him against a sane organized man instead of Lance, it would have been a better fit.

The movie soundtrack is 80s without a doubt to the greasy biker club to the uh, “romantic” stakeout operation. Nothing feels like a slip-up; there’s no dubbed over audio or awkward editing cuts in this movie. Lucky there’s always another unexplained action sequence before the film stays in the same place too long. The fights are pretty cool for a non- kung fu movie and the chase scenes usually have something ridiculous like a car driving under an 18 wheeler of safety to keep you from getting too bored. It would’ve helped suspense wise if the audience was more invested in the characters, but for what they are it’s passable.

At the final showdown Lance throws a gun and the computer with the poison timer into the sky and they both collide, causing an explosion and saving the day.

This movie is worth watching only for that scene and Gene Simmons’ performance

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