By Timia Cobb
Web Content Contributor
It feels as though my life is more hopeless than it is romantic. I know I’m not the only person wondering about how exactly people find that special someone. The movies make dating seem easy, yeah there will be a few bad dates, but sooner or later that perfect person will come around. However, I’ve been waiting for that person for so long it doesn’t even seem like they’re even coming anymore.
Every relationship (or almost-relationship) I have been in has been a complete fail for me. The reason for this is I always choose the wrong guy. Many of us are in relationships or want to be in one, but consistently choose the wrong person.
The thing is that they’re the problem. We attract the unwanted, the abusers, the cheaters, the manipulators and more. We have to stop letting theses people into our lives by spotting the red flags and accepting that they just aren’t good for us.
They’re using you.
I have talked to guys who made me question exactly why they were talking to me. They were attractive, smart, came from a financially stable family and were nice until I realized they were only nice when they wanted something. People like this usually prey on people who don’t hear that they’re beautiful or attractive enough.
They know you will do almost anything to keep them around because they make you feel as though they are the best you could ever have. These type of people are the hardest to identify, meaning most of the time your going to have to take the chance and hope that they don’t use you.
Sadly–if you’re like me–you take this chance more than you should, and develop trust issues. The best thing you can do when dealing with users is to focus on when they ask you to do things you don’t want to do and see if they’ll continue to push you to do it. Saying no or standing your ground will make them understand that they can’t use you as easily as they thought they could.
They love you… even though you just met.
I believe everyone will at least have a relationship or encounter someone who happens to be a massive manipulator. Dealing with people like this is hard because sometimes they don’t actually intend to be a manipulator, they just don’t have full control of their emotions.
If you’re not a person who can deal with someone who has emotional outbursts, is extremely needy and needs a lot of emotional support, than never try to pursue a relationship with a person who requires it. Once that relationship starts you mean the world to them, and they will do anything to keep you.
Amazingly, some people can deal with this, however, if you can know the signs. Signs include them saying they love you right after the first date, or needing you 24/7 to hold their hand and when you can’t they make you feel bad about it.
Some people do need more emotional support than others but when that person starts to take advantage of you to the point where it feels as though your living to please them, than their manipulating you.
The wandering eyes.
Cheaters suck, point, blank and period. However, I would say spotting someone who can’t stay committed is fairly easy, or at least is the easiest trait to notice when dating. If a girl/guy has cheated on every partner they’ve been with than they most likely will cheat again but that isn’t set in stone. Knowing that they have a pattern of cheating will let you know exactly what your dealing with.
You, however, should kick them to the curb if they refuse to show commitment to the relationship. If there isn’t any commitment, than there isn’t a relationship, so they technically they couldn’t be cheating. This way of dating leads to arguments, stress and the development of trust issues.
If you’re not consenting to a open relationship, than they shouldn’t treat you like the ‘side chick’ or one of their many possible options. When starting a relationship they should only have eyes for you;but if their eyes just so happen to wonder then that’s your red flag.
They said they’ll never do it again.
No matter if it’s the girlfriend/boyfriend or mentally/physically, abuse should never be tolerated. Physical abuse is clearly noticeable but knowing that your partner or potential partner is capable of physical abuse is an uncanny question.
No one starts a relationship knowing that the person they want to be with is abusive, that’s why this is so scary to think about. I wouldn’t know how to spot someone who is physically abusive because sometimes it is the ones you trust and love most. Although, if physical abuse is happening, it’s okay to ask for help or to get out of the relationship.
Despite bias societal views, women can abuse men to. Male victims might even find it harder to ask for help in theses types of relationships because of the toxic expectations of masculinity from men. Mental abuse is also something that happens more than most would think. Mental abuse can be your partner continuously belittling you, humiliating you, forcing you to feel inferior to them and more. Mental abuse can be hard to notice but can sometimes be picked up on early in the relationship.
When I think of all the ways relationships can turn toxic and can hurt you, I feel better about my single life. It makes me understand that my many years of being single are just my way of waiting for the right person. Our failed relationships don’t work out for a reason. When need be able to understand why. We have to start picking up on red flags to protect ourselves from the heartbreak of unwanted relationships.
They might be the problem, but we can’t allow them to be our problems.
Featured illustration by Timia Cobb.