First Loves

By Helen Wang
Blog Content Contributor

They all say first loves are the best and the worst. They all say first loves are a learning experience to be had. They all say you never really get over your first love, you just sort of move on. Who exactly are they? Where do we hear these things from? Are they right? For the most part.

First loves are the best. Everything feels new and exciting because well, they are. Making passionate love, feeling the highest form of ecstasy so pure you replay it in history class wondering if anyone else around you has ever felt the way you do. Losing sleep just to spend more time with each other is not even in the question because reality is just that much better than dreaming.

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Photo courtesy of Helen Wang.

We are a selfish race. We crave the in love feeling so much because it makes us experience so many levels of emotions that nothing else can even hold a candle to, kind of like how no one else can hold a candle to them.  The one all our decisions revolve around and if it means skipping a quiz that can be dropped to cuddle in bed a little longer then responsibility is not even in the question because our heart is so full of the blood that’s been sucked out of our brain. The nervous butterflies, the first makeup after a fight when you realize that fighting isn’t that bad when you have something so incredible to look forward to after you make up and realize it’s made you stronger.

The effortless happiness that comes with no strings attached because it’s the first love. Pain from heartbreak has not been experienced, has not even crossed your mind because in that mind, you two are getting married with kids running around on the front porch decades from now. You’re too busy making plans and investing every single free minute you have on him that you forgot how to be just yourself.

Well wake up sweetie, nothing lasts forever. First loves are the worst.

This could take years to finally reach when little by little, the tight intertwined couple who invested all that time on each other begins to untangle little by little. Then before you know it, you are so comfortable with each other you forget that the other person still has feelings, you forget that the little things matter the most. You forget you’re living in pure ecstasy. The loving is so great you never want to give up but the fighting is an anger you’ve never experienced before this. It can make the most docile being so outraged she doesn’t remember who she is anymore as she catches herself screaming and yelling at the top of her lungs when she should be fast asleep being the little spoon.

Breaking up with a first love hardly is ever what it seems. Breaking up is just the way to announcing to the public you’re back on the market, yet you’ve left your heart back at the ex’s bed, along with your tears and time. Every time you try to give up you want to hang on because we are all so accustomed to routine and regularity that you can possibly imagine waking up every day knowing you’re all alone. You forget what it’s like to be yourself because yourself before him was long gone. You waste more sleep but this time instead of spending it making sweet memories for stories to tell, you’re reliving the old ones with the tears soaked into your hair sinking into the pillows late at night when you should be fast asleep being the little spoon. Who is he now? Has he changed? Is it you? Who’s fault is it, what are we fighting about, should we cut it off for good, am I weak for keep holding on? A million questions fill your mind every day that you have no answer to. Kind of like continuously opening the fridge door knowing there’s no new food, but it’s that one percent chance that maybe just maybe you’ve overlooked something that keeps you hanging on. Maybe just maybe we can change and be who we once were.

Moving on is realizing just how much happier you would be if you stopped trying to make excuses for him. Even if it’s not as happy as you once were with him, it’s still a hell of a lot happier than you are now.  This puffy eyed tunnel vision girl who keeps getting hurt and wondering why.

They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. You keep reasoning with yourself that you’ll hang on because this time he says he’ll change. This time he says she’s just a friend and you’re the one he truly wants but he just can’t trust you. You keep blaming yourself because he tells you it’s your fault. One day you wake up and you realize he’s no longer this perfect super hero in your mind anymore, and you don’t get a million butterflies smiling in your stomach when his face pops in your head anymore. Your hero is actually a jerk, he’s also just human. He also isn’t going to change into the perfect man you have cooked up in your head with his name on it. You realize everything he says is junk and so ignorant you simply can’t help but fight with him. You try to move on but every once in a while you slip up. Then finally you wake up and go through your whole day and while you’re brushing your teeth at night you are taken aback by the fact that a thought of him hasn’t gone through your head once all day until now. You don’t know whether to feel sad because this is what it’s come to, something so perfect falling apart right in front of you. Or whether to feel happy because after all this time your brain is finally regaining some of that blood the heart stole and is trying to help you get over him. before you know it, a months gone by and you haven’t made any contact with him what so ever and you realize maybe it isn’t impossible, maybe you can do this.

You begin to find yourself again, a completely brand new person than who you were before he entered your life. Now you won’t allow yourself to be that weak person that he’s expecting to run back anymore because you’ve came so far, and before you know it, you no longer even wish to be back in those arms again because they just remind you of the constant shouting and fighting instead of the loving and smiling. But you also remember who he used to be, who you used to be, and you have came to the terms that you guys are no longer that couple madly in love.  that it was just a beautiful experience and lesson to be had. You don’t regret it, but you won’t keep living in the past either because moving on has taught you to become the strong lady you now embrace.

First loves are forever, but forever doesn’t always mean with each other, it means wherever you go in life you carry a little piece of them with you in the back of your mind as a souvenir of what you once had and every guy after that has to exceed whatever he was because now that you’ve experienced a love so passionate so deep you won’t tolerate settling for any less. The little naïve girl so in love with her teenage boyfriend will always be with you wherever you go in life, but she won’t be who you are anymore.

Second loves are hard. They are mature. They come with walls built up from the previous owner of the heart. You work to knocking those walls down and planting flowers around it.

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